'Update: She booked the venue out from under us...': 31-year-old bride reluctantly accepts $25,000 gift from her future mother-in-law, who proceeds to hijack the wedding, hiring a "secret" wedding planner and secretly booking their desired venue

If a "gift" comes with strings attached, is it really a "gift" at all?


Undeniably, having access to money and a comfortable living is one of the greatest advantages in life. Giving you not only a head start, but the security to take risks that others quite literally can not afford. And then, when and if you inevitably fail, there's always a secure safety net waiting for you to land in and try again. 

But, if you've ever been granted an opportunity like this only to find an axe of expectation (which is a legendary item, btw) hanging over your head, you know just how stifling and claustrophobic it can be. Sure, you have that leg up of having access to their money, but you're similarly being forced to walk a path that is not your own and pushed into decisions and a future that you do not want. 

The strings that came with the gift are quite literally controlling you, and you are now just a puppet with little say over your own life. 

(The first part of the original story begins below. Keep reading for the update, which starts on item #14)

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  • 01
    A bride and her fiance gaze forward standing in front of a corn field
    via Jayson Hinrichsen

    The image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • This is why, even with family, it's best to understand the terms of an agreement you are entering into before entering into it. It can be painful to have these hard conversations with family, but everyone will be better off for it.  

    Even if there are the best intentions on both sides, you'll inevitably find that things will go sideways at some point, and you'll at least have the ground rules that you set to go back to.

    Of course, we have heard of family, or have family of our own, who do not have the best of intentions, or will quite simply say one thing and then do another. We know that we can not and should not trust these family members sometimes, from hard, firsthand experience.

    Well, that was the situation that this bride-to-be found herself in conflict with her future mother-in-law, who “graciously” offered $25,000 towards the wedding. Concerned about potential strings being attached to the sum and suspecting that the mother-in-law was seeking to meddle in their wedding planning and affairs, the bride and her fiancé sat down to have a clear-the-air chat with his mother. The mother-in-law accepted their terms, and it seemed that things were going to move forward positively.

    However, things took a turn when the bride was contacted by a secret wedding planner (yes, really) that the mother-in-law had hired to seek out venues for a much larger wedding than the one the couple was planning. But, it went beyond this, the mother-in-law had actually gone and booked out the venue that she knew they had been eyeing to prevent them from having the wedding according to their original plans. 

    The bride and her fiancé ultimately decided to return the money and cut off her involvement and any communication with her at all about the wedding, and potentially go no-contact with her permanently after the wedding had finished.

  • 02

    AITAH for refusing a wedding "gift" knowing there will be strings attached

    My fiance (32m) and I (31f) got engaged on Christmas Eve. Until recently I had a great relationship with his family, his mom especially. But ever since the engagement, it's become really strained because she keeps trying to insert herself into our decisions and offering unsolicited advice and I'm slowly getting at my wit's end.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 03
    • I found a gown in a magazine I . love and that's going to be my inspiration. It's more on the simple side, but that's my style. I showed my best friend, my mom, and my future MIL (because I did want her to feel included) and she insisted it was too plain and everyone will think I'm just another guest. At my wedding. Being the only one in white.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 04
    • The venue we're thinking about is too small and boring. The on- site catering is not special enough and because my fiance is an only child, this needs to be a grand affair. • We need to get a guest list to her so she can review and approve who's coming. No, this is our wedding, not yours.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 05
    Thankfully, my fiance is on my side and about 6 weeks ago called her and said we know what kind of wedding we want to have and she needs to stop overstepping and questioning our choices. In an attempt to punish him and assert her authority she went radio silent until last week.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 06
    She invited us to dinner on Sunday and presented us with a check for $25,000 to help with the wedding. When we got home I told my fiance we are NOT cashing the check. He thinks I'm being ridiculous and this can help us have the wedding we want with almost no out of pocket costs. I told him we won't have the wedding we want because she's going to use the money as leverage to push the event in the direction she wants.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 07
    When she insists on including her friends we don't know and don't care about she's going to say, "Oh, I thought the money would help cover them." When go dress shopping it'll be, "That's a bit simple, I thought with the extra money you'd get something nicer." When we finally choose our venue it'll be, "So what exactly is my money paying for?"
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 08
    My fiance said it will cause a huge rift if we don't accept the money because his mother is extending an olive branch and being generous, but I tried telling him it'll cause a bigger rift if she gets it in her mind she has a say in our choices because she's "paying for it" and I shut her down very time. I feel like I'm being positioned as a bridezilla.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 09
    My fiance thinks I'm overreacting and it's the tension of the last few months exposing itself. Even my mother said I she just accept the gift. So, AITAH?
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 10
    A beautiful bride and groom stand looking out at the vista toward the sunset.
    via Getty Images For Unsplash+
  • 11

    These were some key responses from readers in the original comments

    Positronomy NTA - I'd take the money and put it in a separate account to earn interest (or just consider $25k your zero balance) and continue excluding her from decisions as you've been doing. If she EVER demands her money back, just send it right back and tell her it looks very poorly on her to use a gift as leverage. This makes the scenario a win-win. You're still financing the wedding yourselves. You can use the wedding money for whatever you want assuming she accepts being excluded, and if s
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 12
    Professional Yam3119 You could just ask whether there any conditions attached. Make sure that you are both present when you ask her.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 13
    Clean_Permit_3791 NTA Put the money in a high yield savings don't spend any of it. If she starts using it against you send it straight back and hope it was long enough to give you some decent interest to put towards your honeymoon.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 14
    kipsterdude NTA, but if you want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Keep the check and see whether or not she tries to insert herself into your wedding plans. Once she does, be prepared to return the check.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 15

    The second post begins here

    An older woman representing the mother-in-law from the story looks smugly at the camera
    via Maria Lupan

    The image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 16

    Update: AITAH for refusing a wedding "gift" knowing there will be strings attached?

    Hi, everyone. I posted here a couple of weeks ago and got some wonderful advice. A few people asked for an update and I thought I'd let you know what happened. It's not good. If you didn't see my original post, my future MIL offered us $25,000 towards our wedding, but I knew there would be strings attached to make the event her way. I thought maybe I was the AH for overreacting or seeing something that wasn't there, but you all told me I was 100% correct.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 17
    So I decided to have a heart-to-heart with my future MIL, with my fiancé attending, too. I told her that I miss the relationship we used to have, but it's become strained because I feel she has not respected the choices we have made for our wedding. We explained that we aren't depositing the check until we have this conversation and we're all on board about how we move forward. I know we didn't need to provide a rationale, we just required acceptance, but I thought it would help her understand.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 18
    • The wedding size. I reminded her that my fiancé and I are introverts. We would be maxed out emotionally and mentally with 50 people. And quite frankly, we only want the people who have been a part of our lives to be there so celebrate with us. There's no need for childhood neighbors to attend, there's no need for distant cousins we haven't seen in 15 years to attend. Just the people who have been with us on our journey.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 19
    • The wedding gown. This is non- negotiable. A bride chooses her gown and I will be choosing one that I can be comfortable being in (this is the first time I'll be wearing a dress since prom), reflects my personal style, and makes me feel beautiful. Not anyone else's personal style.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 20
    • The venue. Ok, this is a bit cringe, . but my fiancé and I met at a speed dating event a restaurant was running 4 years ago. We hit it off and here we are. Our absolute first choice for the reception venue was this place. Their event space will fit 50 max.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 21
    We thanked her for her generous $25,000 but we would give it back if our decisions aren't respected. We asked if she has any expectations around any decision-making that comes with the gift. My future MIL cried and apologized and told us she just wanted everything to be perfect and she's sad that she never had a daughter who she can play a normal motherly role in wedding planning. That she was so scared that I'd leave her out of everything (which I never did, I wanted her to feel included).
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 22
    So there you go, we had a resolution. We deposited the check and started to move from the "spitballing ideas" to "confirming vendors" phase. When I called the restaurant we wanted for the reception their private function room was unfortunately booked out for our very specific date that we can't change, which was really sad. So we decided to start looking at other options.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 23
    A few days later, I get a call from a wedding planner who proceeds to tell me that my future MIL hired her to help with the wedding. ?? I called my future MIL and she explained that my fiancé mentioned we lost our preferred venue and wanted to take some pressure off my shoulders and hired a wedding planner. She insisted the planner was just to do all the background admin tasks. Okay....
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 24
    I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm not sure why a wedding planner is needed for a small wedding or why they'd even bother taking the job, but if my future MIL wants to spend her money on making things a little easier for me, that's fine. I met with the planner twice, described our vision for the wedding and she said she'd put together some bookings to view venues, taste cakes, etc.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 25
    Here's where the sh hits the fan. The planner sent us a list of venues she's booked for us to see. We had a look online and all of the venues are large. Like, designed for 200 guests. We're confused and when we went to the first appointment yesterday, my fiancé joked that 50 people won't need this much dance room. The planner looked confused and explained that future MIL contacted her last week to explain that we were considering expanding the wedding and would need a bigger space than originall
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 26
    We got home and I called my mom and cried to her that this is all just too d n much and we are now considering eloping. My mom's spidey senses tingled and she called the original restaurant we wanted and was like, "I'm calling about an event my "sister" is planning and she's so forgetful I just want to confirm she's booked the private function room. It's for [date] and my sister's name is [MIL's name]."
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 27
    You guys, this b booked the venue out from under us. She booked it and paid a deposit to secure it so we couldn't have it. I can only imagine she did this to slowly convince us to book a larger venue and host a larger reception.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 28
    My fiancé called her and tore her a new one. He told her she's no longer involved in any aspect of planning, we will not be working with her planner, all vendors will be password protected, and she's lucky she's even still invited, but will only be attending as a guest. No speech, no mother/son dance. He also told her that if she interferes at all again, she won't even be allowed as a guest. We transferred the money back to her account.
    via Defiant-Function8397
  • 29
    I told him I'm going no contact. I don't really want her there, but I will be polite on our wedding day because I don't want drama, but then I'm back to no contact for good. He is 100% backing me up.
    via Defiant-Function8397

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